Home > Satire (Mature Content) > Fifteen Things I Hate About You

Fifteen Things I Hate About You

February 24, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

This is an unedited, uncensored re-print of an article originally posted on another site, included here so that fans can read the uncensored versions.

WARNING! This article is intended as a piece of satirical diatribe. Some readers may find the language and themes within extremely offensive.

I was going to write Fifteen Things I Hate About My PlayStation 3, but I thought this would be more amusing. So without further ado, here are my pet hates – all the reasons I hate you.

15. You have more trophies than me

I’ll admit it, I’m very competitive. I just hit level 11 last night and I was quite pleased with myself. I remember the good old days when Super Stardust HD and Wipeout HD were the only games that had trophies and I had more than you because you hadn’t figured out what the PSN store was yet. Now you have owned me, and I don’t have time to catch up. I hate you.

14. You have more trophies than me for all the wrong reasons, and you know it

You know the type. Usually their comment says something like “4217 trophies!”. They buy every game – even the ones that suck, and the ones you’ve never heard of despite checking the release schedules every week. Then they whore through all the easiest trophies, toss it on the shelf and move onto the next game. Then they put their trophy count in their comment message to show you how much better than you they are. They tell you they have 20 platinums, then you check their trophies and discover they got them on Terminator Salvation and Noby Noby Boy (yes yes I know, overlook the factual inaccuracy there). Actually you just have more money than sense – I believe Warcraft players have a word for that: it’s called “no-lifer”.

13. Your status says “LittleBigPlanet: Empty Level (1/4)” and I know damn well you’re making a level just to impress a girl

Oh get a life. If you want to impress a girl, take her for a romantic dinner or buy her some flowers. I’ve never made an LBP level to impress a girl of course. So this one doesn’t apply to me. Obviously.

12. You have a custom avatar

…from which I’m assuming you are 16 or under since you have to have a certain level of adolescence in your soul to pay for a 2D sprite. It’s 20p – you could’ve bought your first cigarette with that! Shame on you.*

11. You always ask me to play Modern Warfare 2 when I’m watching porn

I’m a lady, so I don’t watch porn of course. Especially not lesbian porn with blonde Swedish girls who’ve barely turned 18. But I digress. How many times have you been watching your torrent download of House or Top Gear, munching on your microwave dinner only for that box to pop up in the corner with one of your friends asking you if you wanna play Buzz? Obviously I only have my closest most important 100 PSN friends on my friends list, so this isn’t so much of a problem – but it could be. Especially if I’m watching porn at the time.

10. You add me out of nowhere with no message

I can’t find you in my Players Met list and you haven’t told me who you are. Yes, I know, you’re probably from SingStar, but I run a gaming web site and as alluded to earlier I have 100 close friends already. This is also for those of you who message me and say “my friend says you know a lot about SingStar – how do I calibrate my mic?”. The manual is your friend, my friend. And if the manual doesn’t give you enough good loving, Google will love you forever (Note: If you have a genuine problem I’ll be happy to help you)

9. YoU hAvE a NiCkNaMe LiKe ThIs

Actually it’s usually along the lines of iAmDaShiZz14. I’m guessing that 14 refers to your age right? You know that’s gonna be out of date when your birthday rolls around. But hey, CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR AWESOME.

8. The output from your webcam looks like a plate of sick

Again, you know the type. They flock to Virgin Media cos it’s da best! Don’t invite me to a video chat if your internet connection consists of firing packets out of your bedroom window on the back of a carrier pigeon with one dodgy wing. Oh, you have fibre optic… is that what you really look like? Damn, you’re ugly.

7. You have a headset from Dixons

You know those conversations, they often start like “Sorry, my headset is a bit crap”. And then you continue to use it. If it’s a bit crap, turn the bloody thing off and go and buy an official PS3 headset. They’re not expensive. It’s not complicated. Certainly while the atmosphere of Aliens vs Predator is spruced up by the fear-inducing sound of shortwave radio static in my ear and the occasional background warble of speech, you are ruining the team play and making it impossible to hear anyone else. If you know your headset sucks, do us all a favour and turn it off.

6. You keep calling me gay

Yes, yes I am gay, well spotted. Fortunately, since I’m a woman, the only thing I suck at is video games. Tell your girlfriend I had a great time last night. Oh wait, sorry, you don’t have one, you’re that no-lifer with all the trophies.

5. You’re playing a game I don’t own and really want

You are responsible for so much decadent spending on my part I should send you the bill. If I see someone playing a game I don’t own and know is good, I have an unhealthy obsessive compulsion to buy it so I can be in the cool group too. The number of times this has happened to me is unreal. I have solved the problem now by simply pre-ordering every game that is ever released just in case it turns out to be popular. I won’t be that annoying trophy whore though, I don’t really play my games, I collect them. They’re just on my shelf to look cool. Still, you’re burning a hole in my pocket. Or you would be if I had pockets; women’s clothes are kind of lacking in practicality so I have a Hello Kitty purse instead. There’s no money in it either, just credit cards, so technically you’re melting a hole in my plastic.

4. You’re playing Super Mega Ninja Rundown Uber Victims Part 3

Why? WHY? Disney Sing It, Noby Noby Boy, Mahjongg Artifacts, Hannah Montana for Christ’s sake. At least play something we’ve heard of. Don’t make me look your games up on the interwebs (or I might buy them).

3. I’m playing a beta and you ask me for a code after not writing anything for 6 months

Wow you’re so cool, how did you get that?! Can I have a beta code too?! No, you cannot have a beta code. Sod off. Thank God I only have my 100 closest friends on my list or I’d get this all the time. Oh wait…

2. You take so long to start an online match I have died of old age in the meantime

Ok so my dinner is in the oven, it’ll be ready in 12 minutes, I just have time for a quick 10-minute deathmatch. Let’s go! Erm… let’s go! But sadly, no, you haven’t hosted a game before and players are leaving out of impatience because you haven’t yet figured it out…. please for the love of God click Ready so we can get on with this, you’re going to make my frozen pizza burn (technically it shouldn’t burn because it’s frozen, but hey, shit happens).

But my number one, all-time greatest pet hate that makes me hate you, is:

1. You have a headset at all

Oh how technology has advanced. Remember the good old days of IRC? If people got on your nerves, you’d say “ok, I’m gonna +m this channel; you, you and you can have +v and the rest of you, shut the fuck up.” Now not only can we not mute the annoying ones while leaving the others untouched except in a few select games, but we have to actually listen to you coughing, belching and eating crisps. And calling me gay. I’m not sure which is the greater evil, homophobic voice chat or caps lock.

If any girl gamer out there would like another geek girl gamer girlfriend (wow what a mouthful, ahem), I am available. Thank you for your attention.

* Smoking makes your fingernails yellow, your house smell bad and increases the risk of emphysema and lung cancer. Also it makes you cough more which makes you bad at SingStar, and it’s addictive so you have to take more breaks from gaming – so as you can see, it’s bad all round. Do not begin to smoke.


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