Top Ten: Best PlayStation 3 Games
This is an unedited, uncensored re-print of an article originally posted on another site, included here so that fans can read the uncensored versions.
WARNING! This article is intended as a piece of satirical diatribe. Some readers may find the language and themes within extremely offensive.
Greetings citizens of April 20-10. I am speaking to you directly from the past; to be precise, March 2000 and 10.
The past is crazy. Bluray is still the accepted movie format, and God of War 3 hasn’t been released yet, even though I played it for several hours after it was released and probably complained in last week’s top ten that I haven’t written yet how short it was (one for you parallel timeline fans there – why are you reading this when you could be writing equations?)
This week I’d like to draw your attention to the ten best PlayStation 3 games of all time. Unfortunately, with only Dante’s Inferno, Bioshock 2, Aliens vs Predator, White Knight Chronicles, Heavy Rain, Star Ocean, Sega & Sonic All-Stars Racing, Demon’s Souls, Final Fantasy XIII, Battlefield Bad Company 2 and God of War 3 in my pile of games from February and March, I haven’t really had the opportunity to play any decent games lately so I’ve had to use some creative license from Metacritic – which is to say I surveyed the reviews, then concocted a series of dangerous and probably libelous assumptions based on games I haven’t played in a plausible-looking manner. Because if I had played them, I certainly wouldn’t admit it in public.
I have absolutely no regrets about purchasing any of these games and I strongly urge you to do the same. No serious gamer’s collection is complete without these titles. Did I mention I was lying? I know I’ve missed out some absolute classics like Frogger Returns and Guitar Hero Van Halen, but this list is strictly reserved for the absolute cream of the crap, I mean crop.
“Hello, my name is James Cameron, you may remember me from making – in my opinion – all the best movies of all-time. Now as you can see I’m being interviewed on PlayStation Network and I’m making it very clear that I am God’s Gift to Gaming.”
No Jimbo, you are not God’s gift to gaming. God’s gift to gaming was Ken Kuturagi (Satan retaliated by dual-wielding Steve Ballmer and Bob Kotick, and more or less won). What you are is a man who is ok-to-reasonable at playing a guitar, think you’re the greatest guitarist who ever lived and arrogantly believed your first musical composition would also be great. You’re a man who copied all the Avatar assets onto a (very large) USB stick, gave it to Ubisoft and thought that a great game would come automatically.
First tip: to make a great game, you need great source material to start with. High resolution, 3D and shiny does not equal great – refer to Gran Turismo 5 for further details (alright easy, calm down, I’m just being controversial remember). It does equal expensive and over-hyped, however – something we thought you would’ve learned from Titanic by now. Second tip: don’t embarrass yourself giving Avatar video game interviews until you’ve actually played the game and checked whether it’s shit or not. And if you have played it and can’t tell it’s shit, maybe you should just stick to your Wii eh?
IGN: “Damnation is very bad. You can come over to my desk right now, randomly choose a level for me to show you, and you will see exactly what I’m talking about. The framerate crawls, the textures are hideous, the voice acting is terrible, the animations are robotic, the vehicles cut through the ground, there’s no voicechat in multiplayer, the story is poorly laid out, the gunplay is no fun, there are load screens in the middle of nowhere — I can go like this all day, but I think you get the point.” – 2.5
To be honest I’m wondering if they got the game mixed up with Avatar because I guess this is sort of what James Cameron was aiming at with his title, although compared to Damnation he fell considerably short of the mark.
I would first say I am genuinely sad that the studio responsible for Damnation was closed, because I don’t believe for a minute the developers would deliberately produce a bad game – so if you’re reading this guys, you do have my sympathies and I hope you’re not forced to watch Dave for any longer than is absolutely necessary.
Turning the brutal satire back on, though…. what an epic masterpiece of engineering!! If you wanna talk about 5 guns, grey pasty levels with textures more suited to a wireframe 3D game and the most awesomesauce controls ever, you’ve come to the right place my friends. My particular favourite is that you reload by pressing in the left stick. Ah yes, that’s much more comfortable than that really awkward square button. Give the guy who thought that one up a platinum trophy, because he is going to go on to redefine the future of gaming. Hopefully he’s not involved with the Move’s ergonomics team though.
A man sits in a chair, or occasionally walks around it, and bends his face in a mildly-entertaining-for-2-minutes manner. So, here we’ve got all the makings of a classic: variety, longevity, addictiveness and solid gameplay.
I know, .detuned is not a game. I actually used to be in the demo scene so I have great respect for the authors of Linger In Shadows and .detuned and have followed a lot of their previous work. It would be one thing if the £3 actually showed us something that pushes the PS3. It doesn’t – and no demo team will ever be able to do that for another 20 years, just like how they are showing off 3D demos these days on the Commodore 64. Stick to your PCs gentlemen – it’s what you do best.
The clue is in the name. I actually got a free copy of this, and 5 minutes into the tutorial I was on the phone demanding my money back. And don’t even get me started on having to actually pay for add-ons to this shallow, weak, incomplete, hard-to-control and repetitive excuse for a gaming experience. It is embarrassing they are still releasing packs for this in all honesty.
If you take pleasure in your life from flinging a rag doll around a static area trying to hit as many targets as possible, over and over again, with no scoring or progression, then I guess you’ve got deeper psychological issues than which PSN games you buy.
6. Tony Hawk: RIDE
Ah…. this is one of my all-time favourites! A true classic. Hold on a minute while I just stop laughing at the very thought of this game.
The only thing that would have made this game funnier is if it had been published by Activision. Oh, wait.. *starts giggling again* No wait, there is one thing that would be even funnier than that: if they had confirmed a sequel. OMG they did! *bursts out laughing* Oh, the humanity.
You know, there are some things that you just can’t say about people in print because they’d result in an instant lawsuit. Come on Tony don’t be shy, you know what I’m talking about. Take James Cameron’s arrogance, put it on crack and you’ve got Tony’s attitude towards this game right there. And of course, from a business perspective he’s totally right to stand up for this steaming pile of shit, he can’t exactly admit how bad it really smells can he?
I saw an interview with Bill Gates many years ago when DOS was replaced with Windows 95. He was asked if he thought DOS was bad, and he freely admitted it was, then followed up with this gem: “You have to sell what you’ve got”. And this is exactly what Tony’s thinking about when he goes to bed at night. How does he sleep? Hopefully Activision gave him a free prescription of Zopiclone, cos if he’s got any conscience whatsoever, he’s gonna need it.
You’ll notice I haven’t even mentioned the hideous plastic skateboard, the broken controls, the stale gameplay or the price. That’s because this game has garnered such a reputation already, it requires no introduction. There is nothing I can say about the skateboard that hasn’t already been said. Which is a shame because I really could’ve written a lot on that topic.
5. Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust
As hard as this may be to believe, there are worse games than Tony Hawk’s RIDE. IGN explains:
IGN: “The lowest rating numbers here at IGN are reserved for games with nearly no redeeming qualities or interesting ideas, with next to nothing enjoyable to offer players, and which under no circumstances should be purchased by anyone. Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust is, without a doubt, one of those games.” – 2.0
High praise indeed from a gaming site known for its tough review scores. Also don’t forget this game’s humour: it’s more sexual than Alyson Hannigan with a flute, yet at the same time manages to make David Letterman look like a comedy genius. Special praise must also be given for the high-quality character models, fluid camera and superlative collision detection.
4. Thexder Neo
“Oh my God she’s not gonna bash independent studios is she?” Yes she is. The more worrying thing is that Square Enix actually allowed Gust to have this published under their brand at all.
In the PS2/GameCube/Xbox 1 era, few things bugged me more than the trawling out of sequel after sequel each year. A situation arose which some of you may remember: the entire games market was controlled by a tiny amount of companies. As someone who used to write 8-bit games before half of you was splashed into your mommy, I have always bemoaned the way the market got polarised against the indie developer. Enter XBLA and PSN, a not complete but partial return to the good old days, where one man can code what he wants to code rather than what he’s told, then publish Riff: Everyday Shooter. So I am a huge fan of this turning point and I buy lots – and I mean lots – of PSN games from the indies, even the ones that are less than brilliant. These people are the future of our industry, so any nurturing is a good thing.
However. Everyday Shooter – especially for a one-man development team – is a pretty decent little game. Thexder Neo, is not a good game. It’s not even approaching a good game. And it had a lot more than one developer working on it. Suspiciously, unlike all the other games I’ve mentioned so far, you can actually check out the demo of this one.
You will delete it after you lose your first life. Which will occur about 5 seconds after you start playing.
I’ve got no problem with the graphics or sound – it’s meant to be retro – but who on Earth came up with that control scheme. It’s a ship! No wait it’s a man! No wait it’s a ship again! Shit I gotta turn aro.. oh look I’ve crashed. Again. Crap which button do I press to thrust. Then there’s the ahem, variety. Well when I say variety, I mean how everything looks exactly the same.
So, living proof (as if we needed any more) that Sony’s TPQA department is.. shall we say less than stellar.. on what it lets slip through the net. I think we should return this particular team to the checkouts of Lidl as soon as possible to avoid further damage.
3. Hannah Montana: The Movie
I love Hannah Montana, and I love Miley Cyrus, and that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact I’m a lesbian and she has been 14 years old for approximately the last 5 years. Recently someone told me she was going to cut back on her acting to focus on her singing. I’m not sure if that’s true but I know what my response was: “but.. But.. BUT!! What am I gonna DO at 4pm every weekday afternoon if there’s no Hannah Montana to drool over, I mean watch? *cries*”. On the upside, Guitar Hero’s gonna get some mad skillz DLC! (which will make a change)
So, naturally you can understand, I was sooo desperate to buy this game and as the price plummeted on TheHut I had to resist more and more, and then they brought out those God damn packs on PSN with those icons of her smiling innocently that just make you go… “GOD I wanna .. play that game”.
To protect myself from financial ruin, I therefore had to resort to the 2nd Ultimate Source Of Truth After Wikipedia, ie. Metacritic. IGN put me in my place pretty quickly:
“Even if you’re a young girl that adores Hannah Montana, or you’re a parent looking for a good gift, do not purchase Hannah Montana: The Movie. It’s a cheap, awkward, embarrassing attempt to cash in on the hype of the movie without adhering to any of the standards of modern rhythm/music games” – 23%
“Impossible,” I thought to myself, “all movie tie-ins are fantastic! – they must be lying”. So, young girl, adores Hannah Montana – yep, I certainly checked all the boxes, and even after reading that I still wanted to buy it. But I didn’t – and thank God, cos it’s shite.
You know, I’ve just realised what I’ve done. I’ve admitted in public as a 30-year old woman that I watch Hannah Montana. Even my FRIENDS don’t know that. As far as dark secrets go that one’s pretty damn high up on the list. Cover blown – time to steal an Israeli passport.
2. Noby Noby Boy
I have to say I had great trouble ordering these last two. Noby Noby Boy is such a monumental achievement it’s hard to think that anything could top it, however I am tentatively placing it at No. 2.
Noby Noby Boy is nothing less than the ultimate social experiment. Space exploration, animal abuse, sex, toilet humour: this game’s got it all. And all for the price of a Starbucks coffee. The Facebook of PS3 at your disposal – what’s not to like?
It is amazing I must say how I can spend £60 on a game like Assassin’s Creed 2, play it for 3 hours, get busy with something else and never come back to it – a frequent occurrence in my household – yet be completely satisfied with the purchase. And yet, I can at the same time shell out a paltry £3 for Noby Noby Boy and feel regret and a pang of guilt at money wasted every time I go to bed at night.
The game’s premise, of course, is a win-win scenario: grow your Boy as big as possible then stick it in Girl. Eat cows along the way wherever possible, poop them out, then some months later after the developers have courteously thrown in an “arbitrary length multiplier”, go to a new planet which is more or less the same as the previous one. Arbitrary length multiplier is marketing speak for “damn we thought this was gonna be Facebook but it’s sort of going the way of MySpace now”. If you believe my mailbox, arbitrary length multiplier is also code for Viagra and all men would kill for it because all men have small Noby Noby Boys. I, of course, wouldn’t know. Actually now I think of it, that whole sticking Boy in Girl thing isn’t really my cup of tea to be honest, but I can see the appeal to others.
I love the music in this game. I remember when there was a 700MB patch and I thought… what the… the game is tiny compared to that. And it had new music. Unfortunately, everything else is, let’s say, less than perfect. For example, there’s no photo sharing. You can’t make a group called “lost my cellphone, join this group for new number”. You can’t even play FarmVille. Come to think of it, those are probably all plus points.
I would describe in detail my request for Noby Noby Boy: Girl-on-Girl Special Edition at this point, but I suspect it would get edited out. Perhaps a shorter name would be better: Nubby Nubby Girl.
1. PlayStation Home
Oh, don’t be fooled by the hype into believing this isn’t a game. It just wants you to think that to suck you in even more. Nothing less than the Ultimate MMORPG of All-Time, PlayStation Home smashes World of Warcraft in the face, cracks its skull open on the desk and grinds it to a pulp with a Slightly Tattered Axe. It even tops the dizzying heights of Second Life, and as anyone who has visited its porn-infested flat-shaded rectangular boxes that you have to pay to use knows, that is no small feat.
It wants you to think it’s a chat room. It’s tricking you. If you haven’t tried it, be warned, this is going to be the most addictive experience of your life, causing seconds of lost sleep, providing minutes of exploration in its deep, engaging environments, and taking years of hard-earned real cash to acquire the best of the uber-gear this incredible journey into entertainment offers.
Some may tell you Home is pointless, there is nothing to do and it has sucked since Xi finished. They should have talked to the NPCs. Although it is a bit heavy on “will you be my girlfriend” quests*, if you can navigate through these thousands of desperadoes you will find literally tens of avatars worth talking to. As an added layer of challenge you will be required to learn at least 4 new languages because many of the in-game characters can’t or simply refuse to speak English, and this is a really unique twist that increases the immersion and longevity of the game immensely.
You thought you’d seen the pinnacle of what PS3 currently has to offer when you played God of War 3. You’d be wrong. Introducing Icebreaker: the ultimate in-game game, exclusive to PS3. In fact, Home pretty much makes every game you own redundant. No more will you need to plug in your Wii for that spot of bowling (which let’s face it, is the only reason to own a Wii besides Super Mario Galaxy), for Home’s Bowling Alley is here! Game of chess? No problem, chess boards are placed strategically in the middle of a load of shops to tease those intellectual types into buying that irresistible Star Trek outfit.
And what about Tom Clancy’s H.A.W.X and IL-2 Sturmovik? Forget about it, we’ve got Red Bull Air Race now. There’s just no contest.
I really can’t say enough positive things about Home. My best friend told me not to slag it off because it’s free. I pointed out to him that it actually comes at quite a price: 6GB of hard disk space minimum, more patches than a 30-year old pair of jeans, loading times so long you could go to the loft, get out your ZX Spectrum, hook it up, find the Manic Miner tape, load the game and complete the first 5 levels before Home has even re-downloaded the Home Square for the 5,000th time, but most importantly: hundreds if not thousands of developers wasting a shitload of time and money on a useless piece of junk that 12 million users have visited once each, then quickly dismissed as a useless piece of junk when they realise it does absolutely nothing of redeeming value whatsoever.
*takes a bow*
* Note: “Will You Be My Girlfriend” quests not available when using male avatars.