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Top Ten: Women In Video Games


This is an unedited, uncensored re-print of an article originally posted on another site, included here so that fans can read the uncensored versions.

WARNING! This article is intended as a piece of satirical diatribe. Some readers may find the language and themes within extremely offensive.

Warning: Over 18s only. Contains strong sexual references. So now we know you’ll read it anyway, just don’t tell your parents ok? Our evil industry has been a bad enough influence on you already.

BBC News reported on Tuesday that an Iranian Islamic cleric gave a speech stating that women dressed in revealing clothes cause earthquakes.

After I finished choking on my coffee in simultaneous amusement and disgust, I realised that some of you are disappointed because I haven’t mentioned my uber lesbian porn media server for a few weeks, and that with a subtle modification to the meaning of the word ‘earthquakes’, he was actually dead right.

Apparently women specialise in natural disasters, as when I brought this issue up with my work colleague, he said “oh, women can be volcanoes too – I’ve seen the videos!”. I momentarily pitied him, realising he was a loser who – lacking the skills to actually trigger volcanoes himself – would only ever be able to watch active eruptions from behind the doldrums of an LCD matrix. In the same conversation he taught me the meaning of frotting – takes all sorts to make a world I guess.

So, without further ado, let’s review my top ten favourite earthquake generators in video games.

Soozibags – you probably don’t know her, but she is SingStar’s most well-known player, came 2nd in the Glastonbury contest in 2008, won Crystal Mics last year and has a superb singing voice. She is one of those.. ehm… ‘mature’ women that everyone loves to love. And I love her too. Her antics have brightened up the SingStar community for a long time, in our little world she’s a total star. Not to mention, hot, of course.

Any teenage girl on SingStar Online – spreading my legs, I mean my wings, out a bit, most teenage girls on SingStar are worth a momentary wistful drool before you realise you’re a pervert. On Jimmy Carr’s latest DVD, a man in the audience asked “got any tips on grooming?”. Jimmy replied “Yeah it’s illegal, don’t do it.”. If however you are a wannabe pedophile, just do what I did and move to Mexico. The age of consent there is 12. You will of course have to make sure the girl is over 12 though which I guess could be a problem – “hey, I swear she was 12!” – and I’m gonna wager that actually getting onto SingStar Online from Mexico is gonna be a real bitch.

Bayonetta – god damn she is nigh on perfect. Women like Bayonetta in video games are sort of like Photoshopped pictures of Drew Barrymore’s boobs: they are kind of depressing because you know nothing like them actually exists in the real world. Bayonetta is sexy, sassy, good with guns and by God she knows how to suck a lollipop. If I was a clownfish, I’d have a sex change. And what about her hair? You could tow an Airbus A380 with that thing – which will come in very handy when you need help installing that new 3D TV.

Vanille in Final Fantasy XIII – I know, I know, she’s a teenager. But it’s not real life so it’s ok. Besides, who wouldn’t want to spread vanilla on Vanille? Some of you may be thinking you prefer Lightning, but in true natural disaster style, lightning rarely electrifies the same person twice.

Veronica Belmont – alright, a matter of taste I guess, but I have come to.. “appreciate” the Qore presenter over time. Much like a fine Cognac or the roasted tobacco taste of Lucky Strike, Veronica is an acquired taste. And similarly addictive. I don’t like the way she charges me for her services though. Love should be free.

That anime girl wotsherface from wotsitcalled – you know exactly what I mean. All anime girls look the same, and all anime girls are cute. I’m a fan of Reimi in Star Ocean at the moment, subject to change and availability. It doesn’t matter what anime you watch or which JRPG you play, cute anime girls are as inevitable as a wheel clamp in Norwich.

Nariko in Heavenly Sword – another girl with class, she’s got the mad sword skillz and you don’t want to screw with her. Oh, wait, that’s wrong.

Ms Pacman – no, I don’t want to screw with Ms Pacman. Makes a change doesn’t it? Ms Pacman is nothing less than the legend of women in gaming. And a great role model for young girls: all she does is eat power pills all day, plus the occasional live animal. Why hasn’t she married Mr Pacman yet? Nobody knows. Clearly they’ve left it wide open for a long-awaited sequel.

Leliana in Dragon Age Origins – to the best of my knowledge, the only female in a video game with a lesbian relationship trophy in her honour. Finally, some recognition for the hard work we do with other girls! She is my champion.

All the women who sit and play video games all day – if you’re fat, you’re excluded, sorry (only because this is satire and I’m incredibly shallow, in reality I like a girl with a bit of meat on her bones, makes you more cuddly), but otherwise you girls are my No. 1 heroines of all time. You have changed my role in society from being a geek to being normal. Well, ok that’s pushing the boat out – but you are making gaming socially acceptable to both genders. I don’t see anything gender-specific about video games at all and I see no reason why it should be a male-dominated hobby. Ironically, most of the women on my PSN list play shooters, so we really do need to talk to the advertising people about pushing LittleBigPlanet and SingStar on us like we can’t play “proper” video games, cos I do find that rather patronising personally.

Some women who narrowly missed out were Lilith from Borderlands, Lara Croft (too high maintenance), Chloe Frazer in Uncharted 2 (God what a bitch) and Lucy Porter from FirstPlay (lovely voice, shame we can’t see your lovely face as well).

Enjoy your weekend – especially if you’re a woman planning to sit down and bust up some guys on Battlefield Bad Company 2. I salute you.

 

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