Top Ten: Games I Should Have Played
This is an unedited, uncensored re-print of an article originally posted on another site, included here so that fans can read the uncensored versions.
WARNING! This article is intended as a piece of satirical diatribe. Some readers may find the language and themes within extremely offensive.
In this article I am going to – as I was unceremoniously told yesterday – get off my high horse and admit naiveté and ignorance towards some things I really should know about. This is your opportunity to blast me into gaming oblivion as I shamefully reveal ten classic video games I never played.
The reason I never played any of these is two-fold: some of them are genres or branded versions of genres I’m just not that interested in. But there was also a period of several years where I didn’t actually play anything at all. It was about the same time I learned what “real life” was. Fortunately I have matured since then and hope to mend my ways real soon now.
Grand Theft Auto – ouch, I know. I was never into the whole running over pedestrians drug dealing hooker-bashing thing in video games. I was too busy snorting cocaine off my prostitute’s tits to really see the appeal. So when the two DLC packs came out and got storming reviews, and the interwebs told me in several places I didn’t need the original disk, I thought great! Cheap way to see if I like it before plunging into GTAIV. So I purchased the Ballad of Gay Tony. Then found out you actually do need the disk, and bought the full game. Just this week. Sinful.
Street Fighter 2 – I whored Mortal Kombat II when I was a teenager. How can you not love the sound of “Sub-Zero… Winnnsss…. Fa-TAL-ity! … Flawless… Vick-torieee!”. Fatalities, babalities, friendships and one other finishing move I forget. That’s what it was all about. But, I never really got into playing Street Fighter 2. The only thing I remember about it now is a voice going “sonic BOOM!” every 5 seconds.
Tomb Raider – you’d think I’d be all over Lara Croft like needles on Amy Winehouse, right? Wrong. I never liked this genre of game and was equally unhappy when the classic Prince of Persia got regurgitated into all those 3D-esque PS2 games that were so much harder to control yet so much less fun than the original. This reticence even led to being nervous about buying Uncharted 2. Fortunately, that is brilliant.
Ratchet & Clank – not exactly genre-defining I know, but it was a big brand-building exercise for Sony, along with Jak & Dexter and Spyro. To be honest they all kind of suck compared to Mario and Sonic (although both of them have gotten way bigger than their boots and urgently need to be banned from appearing in anything other than platform games at this point), but hey, Sony tried their best. They’re always trying their best. I’ve been informed that A Crack In Time is good. I can think of a few other places I’d rather gaze at cracks. But I have downloaded Quest For Booty now so I’ll get around to playing that in approximately 17 years. I wish I didn’t have to quest for booty.
Final Fantasy VII – at this point I am hiding behind my sofa waiting for you to all slash me down with longswords and elemental spells (I’m immune to fire, but have weakened resistance against booty). I didn’t play XII either. In fact, Final Fantasy XIII is the only FF game I’ve played, so for the last 2 months I have had to secretly pretend in all my writing that I actually know something about it. Which I don’t.
Call of Duty – never liked shooters. Liked war shooters even less, leaning instead towards future worlds and sci-fi. Modern Warfare 2 was the first Call of Duty I played, unless you include the one night I spent playing Modern Warfare the night before MW2 was released, to satisfy myself that the sequel added nothing to the original and had a worse story to booty, sorry I mean boot. It’s on the brain you know. I ultimately pre-ordered MW2 the day before it came out, and other than that classic staple of CoD online play – 10 year-old homophobes yammering endlessly into their headsets – I rather enjoyed it.
Myst – infamous for being the game that confused exactly almost over 100% of the people that played it, I still never really got what this was about, but as I understand it it’s some kind of action adventure puzzler where the puzzles have no clues or logical solutions. Sort of like a UK general election, only with more interesting characters. There were a ton of sequels and spin-offs, which if Metacritic is to be believed, all suck. And Metacritic is always right, am I right or am I right?!
Theme Park – loved Sim City, probably the first sim-type game I played, but I had an Archimedes so I only ever got to play Theme Park at my friends’ houses. These along with Transport Tycoon were for me the golden era of sim games, before it all went ‘proper’ 3D and became insanely complex. But who needs Theme Park now when we have ROLLERCOASTER TYCOON on Facebook! Face it, Flash is the future of gaming – though it does have a few, ehm, “framerate issues”.
GoldenEye – as a deprived child I also never owned an N64, well, no I was an adult by then and decided a 1GB PS1 disk could probably store something more potent than a 64MB cartridge that costs £70 (Mario 64, anyone?). So while I played Resident Evil 1, WipeOut.. 1, and Gran Turismo, err, 1, my pals chugged away on GoldenEye. N64s were brought over to my house periodically (remember the days when consoles were small and light enough to actually be lifted by one person?), and it was certainly a great game. Eventually I tried to play it on a PC emulator some years later. In a word: don’t.
Metroid Prime – I have no idea what this is, some kind of GameTube game or something. It’s really good. So I’m told. I remember my ex-girlfriend had it, it had moving about and some guns, this is all I know.
Just to ruin my already thin reputation some more, I have also never played Halo, Fable, Gears of War or Mass Effect. Luckily, I did manage to fit in Manic Miner, Kong, Space Invaders, PacMan, Frogger, Arkanoid/Breakout, Elite, Lemmings, Doom, Quake, Sensible Soccer, James Pond and Zool (ooh I bet that got your nostalgia juices flowing – Chupa Chips 4tw!). And Super Mario Galaxy.